My younger son, Joey, can get aggressive. When he was younger, he would hit or bite himself or others. My wife, in-laws, and I have scars all over our bodies from when his aggressive behavior led him to attack us.
Joey is usually a pleasant boy who laughs a lot of the time, so he isn’t often aggressive. Still, even in his good moods, he has hit my wife and me, his brother, his cousins, and his grandparents. But we’ve worked on some ways to help manage his aggressive behavior. Let’s look at what to do when your autistic child attacks you.
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Managing Autism Meltdowns, Tantrums and Aggression
1. Stay calm and composed
I know this is easier said than done and one with which I struggle when it comes to my older son. However, many times, an autistic child’s aggressive behavior is caused by strong feelings they are unable to communicate clearly.
Sometimes, they are happy and trying to show it. Other times, they may feel frustrated or angry from sensory overload, or they may be trying to get your attention for a snack or activity they want.
It’s important not to have too big of a reaction. Staying calm can help avoid escalating the child’s behavior. My wife and I have found both deep breathing and counting can help us when our children with autism spectrum disorder attack us.
If it’s physical aggression, like Joey is prone to exert, we will move out of the way and breathe deeply or begin to count until we have our own emotions under control. We can’t help him control his emotional state if we aren’t in control of ours.
Meanwhile, our older child, Jeremy, is more prone to aggressive outbursts, both verbally and emotionally. When he starts screaming, it can be difficult not to lose patience and scream back at him.
We have to ignore him, at times, breathe deeply, count, or sometimes leave the room until we and he have regained our composure.
2. Make sure both your child and you are safe
Providing a safe environment is one of the most important responses when your autistic children lash out aggressively. Know your child’s triggers and how they may lead to aggressive behaviors. A child hitting other children can lead to bigger problems down the road.
When a child with autism hits others, it may be due to sensory overload. Getting your child to an environment without triggers can ensure their safety. Other children may not understand the reasoning for your child’s aggressive behaviors and may hit them back if your child hits them.
My son has also been so happy to see a dog that he started flapping his arms, which hit the dog. While the dog in question just moved out of my son’s reach, we were lucky. If a dog is not trained properly, it may attack a child with autism if it feels threatened by hitting. This is why finding a safe environment is key to helping your child.
3. Try to calm your child
Much like keeping your composure, this is easier said than done. You must help your autistic child calm down until they are willing to listen and learn why their actions may have been inappropriate. De-escalate them the best way you know how to help reduce aggression.
Speaking in soft voices, using a gentle touch, and removing sensory stimuli can help calm your child. For my younger son, the Beatles help him de-escalate. He also likes to watch a favorite TV show, like Paw Patrol, to help calm down.
It’s harder for my older son to find what de-escalates him. Even though he can communicate verbally, he will become so wound up in his anxiety that he becomes more explosive in his speech.
We have used a technique called “the five senses,” where he says out loud five things he can see, four things he can hear, etc. Once they have been de-escalated, then it’s time for reflection.
4. Reflect on the incident
You and your child should go over the incident in detail to determine what triggered the aggressive behavior and what your child can do the next time the situation presents itself.
Whether it’s sensory stimuli or some other trigger, you can determine what caused the challenging behaviors. Then, you and your child can work on alternative behaviors for them to exercise the next time they find themselves overwhelmed.
My older son and I used a behavior chart to log when his negative behavior was aggressive. We were able to pinpoint how he reacted, and he was able to identify different ways he could’ve reacted and work to apply those new behaviors in the future.
5. Avoid punishing your child
It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean you should avoid disciplining your autistic child. If your child knows the situation and acts out, as children are prone to, they should be disciplined.
However, your autistic child may not understand that their aggressive behaviors are causing issues for themselves or other children. In these cases, punishment can be counterproductive, leading to an increase in your child’s anxiety and resistance.
Instead, help your child understand the root causes of their behavior. Aggressive behaviors may be hard to control, especially if your autistic child has difficulty expressing themselves through traditional communication. However, using communication your child knows and understands can help them address that root cause without punishment.
6. Use positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is a key component of applied behavior analysis. When your autistic children exhibit calm rather than aggressive behavior, reward them for their calm behavior.
If they have difficulty expressing themselves but find a way to communicate without aggressive behaviors, give them positive reinforcement. A simple task and reward system can go a long way toward addressing your child’s aggressive behavior.
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My older child requires less support. His positive reinforcement often comes in the form of a trip to a movie or sporting event or something to further his love of music, like an accessory for his guitar or keyboard.
My younger child requires much more support, so his positive reinforcement is simpler. He loves candy and riding in our truck to the nearby store. He especially loves these trips to the store during the last three months of the year, as he is a big fan of Halloween and Christmas.
These rewards help both of them address their aggressive behaviors. It’s up to you to figure out what reward works best for your child.
7. Take some time for yourself
Parenting is hard, and parenting a child with autism spectrum disorder is harder. You are the most important person in your child’s life.
Sometimes, it seems like you’re alone and the only one who can help with your child’s behavior. This can lead to stressful situations and caregiver burnout. You must take time to manage that stress and maintain your well-being.
Self-care is healthcare, so find a way to take care of yourself. You can read or find a sitter to spend a few hours alone or with friends.
I like to go to a movie and grab a beer with a friend. My wife likes to read or play “The Sims” on her computer. My wife and I sometimes have a couple of friends over for a game night when we’re together.
We enjoy the company and need the laughs that come with spending time with others, even if we have to be the hosts. As long as it doesn’t overly disrupt what your autistic children need, it will help you be ready to manage your autistic child’s aggressive behavior.
Seek help and support if needed
I knew there would be a lot of stress when I became a parent, but no one prepared me for the stress of raising an autistic child, much less two. Whether it’s been physical aggression, emotional or verbal outbursts, or other forms of aggressive behavior, it’s been an arduous journey, and there’s still a long way to go.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a behavioral therapist if necessary. My wife and I have turned to a board-certified behavioral analyst and applied behavior analysis to help our younger son.
Meanwhile, we’ve had to seek other forms of professional help, like counseling or a special school, for our older son. Don’t be afraid to do the same to address your autistic child’s aggressive behavior. Professional help can be a lifesaver.
Remember to take care of your physical and mental health as well. Employ self-care whenever possible so you are in the right frame of mind to address your child’s behavior. It’s not an easy road, but it will make the road a little easier.
FAQs
Q: How do you deal with a violent autistic child?
A: If your autistic child displays violent behaviors, it’s best to remain composed and help calm your child. From there, you can learn your child’s triggers for their aggressive behavior to address and change it in the future.
Q: Does autism aggression get worse with age?
A: In general, aggressive behavior tends to lessen with age. However, research has found that some autistic people continue aggressive behaviors as they get older.
Q: How can I stop my autistic child from hitting their sibling?
A: A child hitting their siblings can be due to sensory overload or other triggers. To stop the violent behaviors, parents must learn the triggers, move the children with autism to a safe environment, teach alternative behaviors, and use positive reinforcement. In some cases, professional help may be necessary.
Q: How do you manage violent outbursts in autism?
A: Parents must recognize the aggressive behavior that is leading to violent outbursts and find ways to adjust how the child responds. Helping the child regulate their emotions can lead to a reduction in violent outbursts.
References:
Brown, C.E., Quetsch, L.B., Aloia, L.S. et al. Predictors of Aggression, Disruptive Behavior, and Anger Dysregulation in Youths with Autism Spectrum Disorder. J Autism Dev Disord 54, 1264–1280 (2024) https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05876-6
Farmer, C., Butter, E., Mazurek, M. O., Cowan, C., Lainhart, J., Cook, E. H., DeWitt, M. B., & Aman, M. (2015). Aggression in children with autism spectrum disorders and a clinic-referred comparison group. Autism, 19(3), 281-291 https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361313518995
Fitzpatrick S, Srivorakiat L, Wink L, Pedapati E, Erickson C. Aggression in autism spectrum disorder: presentation and treatment options. Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat. 2016;12:1525-1538
https://doi.org/10.2147/NDT.S84585
Hirota, T., Deserno, M. & McElroy, E. The Network Structure of Irritability and Aggression in Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder. J Autism Dev Disord 50, 1210–1220 (2020) https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-019-04354-w
