Sometimes, parenting kids in all of their typicalness confuses me.
The curiosity. The independence. The ease.
My first baby made me a mama 13 years ago.
Then, together, we crashed into what I call the secret world of autism.
I’ve never known a second of parenting without factoring in disability.
The hyper vigilance.
The worry.
The fear.
The hope.
It’s climbing play structures and always getting into the pool and holding hands and heads during a meltdown in a busy street.
It’s explaining and asking for accommodations and grace.
It’s being exposed. It’s always standing out and being brave.
It’s running. It’s never sitting. It’s a lot.
I’ve found that after 13 years, parenting with hyper vigilance comes natural to me now.
I’m always ready. I’m always one step ahead.
Today, I took my two youngest to the zoo.
They know to wait in line.
They understand that we don’t run into streets.
They know that stop means stop.
They listen. Not always of course, but when it matters, they do.
I don’t need to worry. Not like I do with my oldest.
I often say I straddle two worlds. I am the bridge connecting autism and typical.
I’m usually stretched thin. Today I wasn’t.
We wandered. We explored. We rode the carousel.
It felt a bit strange if I’m being honest.
My oldest needs me so much. These two need me to buy the tickets.
Sometimes I feel sad. And other times, I feel lucky that I get to see both worlds. And the gifts that each have to offer.
