9 Tools to Address Autism Anger and Tantrums

As a parent of a child with autism, perhaps one of the most challenging aspects is when our child becomes angered or throws tantrums. Most of us have seen our children locked in a bout of anger and frustration in which they cannot seem to soothe themselves.  

We all have parenting tools for managing autism anger and tantrums and helping our children overcome inconveniences. Additional tools can always enrich and strengthen those we already use. 

Depending on our children’s ability levels, some may be more helpful than others, as we need to tailor any interventions to our kids and their individual needs.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with and managing anger and tantrums with our autistic children.

1. Use a calm voice

Listen to the voice of an airline pilot, and you will notice it is always calm, clear, and unemotional. This, among other things, portrays a sense of calm and control to the passengers who have little control when they are on a plane.

When flying, you are putting your life in the pilot’s hands. Using this voice when your child is angry helps them understand clear communication and feel a sense of control and safety.

2. Understand that anger is never the sole emotion

When you see your child’s anger, it is always with several other emotions. Anger is never the sole emotion in any singular situation. For instance, if your child calls a friend who cannot have a playdate, at least two emotions are present—anger and sadness.

Often, anger and other emotions are like watercolors in that they tend to blend and bleed together. Our job, as parents, is to acknowledge our children’s anger and highlight the feelings under it by acting as an emotional mirror.

In other words, I might say to my child, “You seem sad and mad that your friend canceled the playdate.”

3. Check if they’re tired, hungry, sick, or thirsty

When we discuss sensory issues, we often recognize certain textures, foods, and clothing to which our children may be particularly sensitive, creating irritability.

The same goes for being tired, hungry, sick, and thirsty. Children with sensory issues tend to be more easily frustrated and angered by these issues.

When possible, eliminate these issues or try to place fewer demands when they are present.

4. Set rules and boundaries

Anger is an acceptable and necessary emotion that helps our children create boundaries and assert themselves. However, rules must be applied to this emotion. You cannot hurt others or property with your words or actions, even when angry. 

Additionally, our children need to know they are absolutely entitled to their anger but must try to give a reason (at some point) with potential ideas to solve the problem.

It is unacceptable to simply throw a tantrum or become angry and not provide ideas, if possible, to try to solve the issue next time.

5. Understand that other things can escalate or create tantrums

It is important to remember that tantrums cannot always be avoided, and we cannot get down on ourselves when these issues occur. That being said, several things can also create or escalate anger and tantrums. 

Sensory overload

Simply having too much visual, auditory, or other stimulation can be too much to process all at once. One way to address this is to remove your child from the overwhelming sensory input or, if possible, remove the issue creating the sensory concern.

Remember that sometimes our own talking or emotional overload can be contagious and exacerbate a problem as well.

Forgetting to breathe deeply

Additionally, when a child (or any of us) becomes overwhelmed or angry, they forget to breathe deeply. As a result, they tend to breathe shallower.

This encourages more of a “fight or flight” response and more stress messages within the body, which creates additional anxiety, fear, and potential acting out through a tantrum.

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Helping your child take deep breaths soothes their nervous system and allows them to become more grounded and less heated. Plenty of mindfulness and breathing apps are available on the internet for free to help guide you in this effort.

Helping our children practice mindful breathing, listen to calming music, or use guided imagery (such as pretending they are going on “an imaginary vacation in their mind”) can help address these issues.

6. Give them twenty minutes to “cool down”

When we see our children having a bad day, we consider this a pattern of behavior ups and downs. That being said, what if it were more of a period of bad moments throughout the day?  

For instance, think of your child’s anger as a boiling pot of water. If we take the pot off the stove for a few moments, it will stop boiling; place it back on, and it immediately boils back up.

Let it settle to room temperature, and it will take longer to boil again. Similarly, our children’s tempers and bodies need time to return to “room temperature.”  

Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, suggests that the nervous system takes about twenty minutes to flush out adrenaline and other stress hormones. This period allows the body to return to a typical level after an episode of significant anxiety.

Thus, we must be careful that our children’s systems are reset and ready to handle other issues before we move on from one episode of anger or tantrums.

7. Always have a game plan for public settings

One of the most challenging times for many of us is when tantrums occur within a public setting, such as at the store. When you go to one of these stores, look at where candy shelves are located (at the register at eye level to your child).  

This creates a temptation and potential struggle to get a child out of the store without some item. Many parents may feel forced to give in to a small purchase of a candy bar (or maybe even two) rather than risk a public tantrum.

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If you are going into a store, it is better to announce a “game plan” for what will happen before you go in. “We are going for three things: milk, bread, eggs, and that is all.” Giving a game plan beforehand sets an expectation for what we will do.

With any skill our children learn, proactively practicing knowing what to expect can significantly lessen tantrums that occur due to anxiety, spontaneity, or unanticipated surprises.  

Hence, social stories of what to expect can be immensely helpful. Discussing and answering questions, looking for proactive issues before they arise, and reviewing how to handle these social situations will further decrease any problems. 

If possible, take pictures of the specific scenarios and discuss them before your child experiences them. The more your child knows and is knowledgeable of the expectations, the lesser the likelihood of a full-blown tantrum.

8. Give concrete instructions

When you have a child in the midst of a tantrum, be careful not to say, “Don’t do that,” versus what you want them to do.  

When we tell our children what we don’t want them to do, we assume they know what we expect. Children with autism need concrete and specific instructions. 

Also, when a child is angry and having a tantrum, the ability to problem-solve productively is severely reduced. We must be concrete and specific in what we want them to do. 

9 Stick to a routine

Children have very little actual control over the world. Adults dictate almost every aspect. Children only have control over sleeping, eating, bathroom, and behavior. Thus, they can feel anxious and fearful, resulting in anger or tantrums.  

The more a child knows what to expect proactively each day or when events change, the more perceived control they feel and the less anxiety and anger they may experience.

FAQs

Q: How do you stop an autistic temper tantrum?

A: Redirect the child’s attention to a calming activity or a sensory tool that can help them self-regulate. Staying calm and using a soothing tone can also make a difference in easing the intensity of the tantrum.

Q: How do you calm an adult autistic meltdown?

A: Provide a safe, quiet space and respect their need for time to decompress without interruption. Gentle, non-verbal support, like sitting nearby, can be helpful if they find it comforting.

Q: How do you discipline an angry autistic child?

A: Focus on teaching coping skills rather than punishment, using clear, gentle communication to help them understand acceptable ways to express anger. Reinforce positive behaviors by acknowledging their efforts to manage emotions.

Q: Do autistic meltdowns get worse with age?

A: Autistic meltdowns don’t necessarily worsen with age, but triggers and stress factors can change over time. Many autistic individuals develop more coping strategies as they grow older, which can help manage meltdowns more effectively.