Divorce is challenging for any family, but the intersection of autism and divorce brings unique complexities. Autistic children often struggle with transitions, and their family separation can be especially overwhelming.
Sadly, many autistic children face the difficult reality of adapting to life with divorced parents and navigating changes in living arrangements. Understanding how to navigate these transitions while prioritizing the well-being of autistic children is essential for fostering resilience during this time.
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Simple Tips Single-Parents with an Autistic Child Need to Know
Autism and divorce rates
Under normal circumstances, the divorce rate for first marriages is about 50%, with 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages being dissolved.
One study indicated the rate of divorce among families with a child with autism is about 80%. There may be debate about the actual number.
Still, the reality is having a child with a disability can place additional stress on marriage on top of the typical reasons for divorce.
Given that many families with at least one child with autism will face divorce, what can parents do to minimize the impact the life change will have on children on the spectrum?
Many things can be done. I will share my perspective as a Certified Special Needs Divorce Coach, Mediator, Parent Coordinator, and mother who has navigated a special needs divorce and advocated for my autistic children.
How does divorce affect autistic children?
Divorce can be particularly distressing for autistic children, who often rely on routine and predictability to feel secure.
The sudden shift in family dynamics, living arrangements, and schedules may lead to increased anxiety, behavioral changes, or even regression in developmental milestones.
Autistic children might exhibit difficulties processing the emotional weight of the situation, manifesting as withdrawal, aggression, or heightened sensory sensitivities.
Parents can observe these reactions and respond with empathy, ensuring consistent reassurance and structured communication.
How to talk to your autistic child about divorce
If possible, don’t unexpectedly spring divorce news on the child and have one parent suddenly leave the household without notice.
Hopefully, there have been thoughtful conversations between the parents about the marriage being in trouble. Counseling sessions are ideal for working on issues and discussing how to split up most amicably.
Parents should discuss and plan together ahead of time how to break the news to the child. Information should be age and developmental-level appropriate. Kids don’t need to know the adult details about circumstances that may have led to the split.
Children will certainly be sad that Mom and Dad will not be living together and that they will not be able to see them both all the time. It is important to remind the child that they are and will continue to be loved by both parents and are not the cause of the divorce.
Co-parenting with an autistic child
In most cases, the child with autism has never spent a night away from the parent with primary caregiving responsibility. It can be a very scary and stressful experience for the child to be away from that parent for the first time.
It’s hard not only for the child but also for the parent who is the primary caregiver. It can be difficult for the other parent to have full responsibility for a weekend, especially if that parent hasn’t been fully involved in all the caregiving aspects.
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So, how do we deal with these dynamics? It gives all parties greater comfort and confidence if these transitions happen slowly. Instead of starting with an entire weekend away from the primary caregiver’s home, it may help everyone to slowly ease into a new routine.
Perhaps start with a few hours at a time, then a full day, then one overnight, and then a full weekend with more extended time.
Allowing the non-primary caregiving parent to learn from the other parent or professionals about the child’s needs builds confidence in their ability to be the sole parent “on duty.”
Supporting autistic children through divorce
Supportive strategies can make a significant difference during a divorce. Parents should openly discuss the changes using age-appropriate language, emphasizing that the child is loved and not responsible for the separation.
Creating and sharing a social story is a great way to explain the changes in a visual and narrative format and can help an autistic child grasp what to expect in their new family routine.
This social story can include pictures of all family members, both parents’ homes, and other new and familiar things they will be interested in seeing.
A visual schedule or wall calendar in both homes can help the child get a sense of control over what is happening in their world and when they will be spending time with each parent.
Also, having a predictable schedule is helpful, rather than having a different schedule each week, so the child can mentally prepare and look forward to spending time with the other parent.
If parents are in a high-conflict situation or going through a difficult time emotionally, pickups or drop-offs can happen at school or another public place, which may work better for scheduling purposes.
Working with mental health professionals can help children process and adjust to the changes in their world. Sessions can include parents and children together, which can help all family members navigate and cope with the transitions.
Seeking professional help
Divorce and related transitions can be overwhelming to navigate, especially when trying to make sure an autistic child’s needs are addressed in the short and long term.
Parents should seek professional help if their child exhibits prolonged emotional distress, such as severe anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal.
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Autism Therapies and Solutions
Working with professionals who can provide support, guidance, and advice on best practices in a special needs divorce can save families time, money, and energy while helping them focus on getting the best result for their child.
A Certified Special Needs Divorce Coach is specially trained to help parents consider all aspects of divorce and parenting issues before, during, and after divorce. The coach can help identify resources to support all family members so they thrive after divorce.
Finding stability and growth after divorce
Divorce is undoubtedly a challenging experience, but with the right approach, families can find stability and even growth.
By prioritizing their child’s well-being, maintaining consistent routines, and seeking professional guidance when necessary, parents can create an environment where their autistic child feels secure and supported.
While transitions are difficult, they also present an opportunity for families to grow stronger, proving that love and understanding can thrive even amidst change.
FAQs
Q: How do autistic kids handle divorce?
A: Autistic children may struggle with the changes and uncertainty divorce brings, often experiencing increased anxiety or behavioral challenges. Clear communication, consistency, and support are essential to help them adjust to the new family dynamics.
Q: Does autism affect marriage?
A: Yes, autism can affect marriage by introducing unique challenges, such as communication differences and stress from caregiving responsibilities. However, understanding, shared goals, and support can strengthen relationships despite these challenges.
Q: What is the divorce rate for autism?
A: Some studies suggest the divorce rate among families with an autistic child may be as high as 80%, though this figure is debated. Regardless of exact numbers, raising a child with a disability can add stress to a marriage, potentially increasing challenges.
Q: How stressful is it to have an autistic child?
A: Parenting an autistic child can be stressful due to navigating therapies, advocating for needs, and managing challenging behaviors. Despite the stress, many parents find joy and fulfillment in their child’s unique qualities and progress.
