Christmas is supposed to be a happy and joyful time for all at the end of each calendar years. However, when you’re autistic this can be more challenging as Christmas is often filled with social norms that are not accessible for us.
Personally, I enjoy Christmas overall, but there are certainly parts of Christmas I always dread due to some of the neurotypical expectations that I was put under (both intentional and unintentional). I know I’m not alone in this experience when it comes to being autistic at Christmas and explaining time and time again, why certain things are difficult can’t be exhausting.
To help save some spoons for my fellow auties, I thought I’d share some common anxieties we can have around Christmas and how non-autistic friends and family can make it more inclusive for us.
- No, we’re not being ungrateful if we’re not eating Christmas dinner – many of us will have sensory sensitivities around food beyond our control, due to sensory processing differences. I have physiological responses to certain tastes and textures that are far too overwhelming for myself, food I can’t eat sensory wise causes me to physically gag and feel sick, it’s not me being difficult or precious. People used to make comments about my eating at Christmas which made things even more difficult, and caused be further dread about conversation I know would happen on Christmas day. They had no understanding of what I was going through when it came to eating. Please don’t be offended if someone doesn’t eat the food everybody else is eating or can only eat certain items. Please completely take the pressure off to eat what is ‘expected’ and do not judge if the autistic person needs to bring their own food for the day.
- Don’t take it personally if we’re not eating Christmas dinner at the table – On top of the sensory difficulties we may have with food, our sense of smell can be impacted too, on top of the social demands that come along with socialising while we eat. Also, sudden and unexpected loud noises such as Christmas crackers along with smells that we can’t cope with can be the perfect recipe for a meltdown and shutdown. An autistic person who is not following these social norms at Christmas isn’t being disrespectful, but often we’re avoiding putting ourselves in an environment where the many social and sensory demands could easily cause significant distress for us, and none of us want a meltdown on Christmas day.
- We’re not being rude if we’re not socialising with everyone – for many of us, socialising takes up a significant amount of energy more so compared to a lot of non-autistic people. As a result people may feel we are being rude or ignoring people by not interacting with us as much (or at all) during Christmas. However, it’s likely we can only manage a certain amount of socialising before we become exhausted. Also if we had busy lives, Christmas maybe one of the only chances we get to decompress and this is essential for our well-being, and to avoid autistic burnout. We’re not being purposely rude, we are just trying to manage and get through Christmas without becoming completely overwhelmed. Please respect our needs when it comes to the level of socialising we do over Christmas.
- Expect honest reactions to surprise gifts- telling white lies is something that doesn’t come naturally for many autistic people. People buy gifts to show appreciation, love and care. However, getting a gift for the sake of it and without considering the person’s interests, and what they may like for Christmas could lead to a sticky situation on Christmas day. Where autistic people will either give their honest thoughts, or mask their honest reaction with a ‘thank you’ that others may think is ‘taking the mick’, when in reality, if we’re masking our honest response, we’re trying not to hurt your feelings. The Daily Tism’s new episode demonstrates this perfectly below 7.13-7.50.
- Also some autistic people struggle with surprises. If you know this is the case then it may be worth discussing what a person would like as a gift ahead. I know some people want to create an amazing surprise for Christmas, but this can backfire for some autistic people. So please only do this if you know the person really well and it’s already clear that they like surprises. Even if this seems like an unnatural thing for you to do, it will mean less upset on Christmas day. Afterall, nearly all the social interactions we have as autistic people seem unnatural. It would be good if Christmas was a time we could experience less of this burden.
- Christmas is supposed to be fun – for all of us, whether we’re following neurotypical norms or not. Being flexible so there is space for us to engage with Christmas in a way that works for us (and also not engage if that’s what we need) is important. Ultimately make sure you are not forcing autistic people beyond their limits for the sake of social norms. It doesn’t automatically mean you have to sacrifice everything you enjoy at Christmas. With some forward planning, many can adjust their Christmas day to be more inclusive for their autistic family members while not sacrificing the parts of Christmas that people enjoy, which some autistic people may struggle with.
I hope this helps as a starting point, obviously from a blog post I cannot know the specific ins and outs of how you celebrate Christmas or the exact difficulties that may come up. However, hopefully this is a useful introduction in terms of thinking about how to make Christmas enjoyable for autistic people and non-autistic people alike!
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