I don’t talk about our challenges associated with autism all that much any more. Some followers assume that life is easier now. Or our son is less autistic.
Neither of those things are true. Cooper is still very much significantly affected. But he is also wonderfully supported.
We, his family, our friends, his team, we know how to support him. And because of that…he is thriving. We all settled in as I like to say.
I’m not afraid to share either. It’s not that. I have my reasons. Ones that involve stigmas and dignity and well…I want to give hope to parents of newly diagnosed kids.
I want them to see my son’s beautiful progress when they Google severe nonverbal autism at 1 am.
I have moments sometimes though. Ones that cause me to pause. To take deep breaths. To feel all the feelings associated with this life we live.
This morning I was helping my son with his socks. At 12, he can put his socks on all by himself. A huge victory. One that we worked on for years. But often the socks are bunched and upside down. So I like to assist him. To make sure they are comfy.
I was checking his feet. As I do daily. His toes. Looking for any sign of self injuring. Checking the bottoms and tops and toes for owies that he can’t tell me about.
When I realized something.
The feet I was holding were bigger than mine.
Not tiny. Not even little.
And the fear. The worry. The wondering. The emotion. It all flooded me. And I fell out of my crouched position onto the floor at his feet.
And just paused as I looked up at him.
He was dancing in the chair to a Chuggington song. His hands were happy. His smile huge.
He is 13 years old. He is no longer a little boy. And many of his cares are still like a toddlers.
Today, I want to say out loud, and feel all the feelings. Because they are real. Because he is so loved. Because I’m scared sometimes. Because he’s growing older. And so am I. And I don’t know all the answers or what the future holds.
I’m terrified sometimes. And no one talks about this stuff. The constant battle to hold back the fear and pretend to put on a brave face and be invincible.
