How to Deal with Autism Anger in Adults: All You Should Know

As our children grow, learning how to deal with autism anger in adults becomes essential. While many books focus on managing tantrums and frustrations in children, it’s crucial also to address anger management for adults with autism. Skills learned in childhood need to be adapted and practiced throughout adulthood.

Social skills groups, play and art therapy, and social-emotional learning in schools support children in growing and adapting to the world around them and keeping anger at bay. Anger, however, does not simply vanish in our children with ASD when they enter adulthood.

Youth may adapt skills and mature to handle the specter of anger. However, anger management is a skill that must be practiced and adapted as they grow to be fully efficacious.

Understanding anger in autism

It is important to note that autistic adults, much like children on the spectrum, may have challenges with comprehension of subtle emotional shifts in themselves and others. 

One issue with autism and anger is a lack of research on anger issues specific to adults on the spectrum.

That being said, it is critical to note that anger is never the sole emotion that adults with ASD experience. In other words, they will feel anger triggered by another core emotion, such as frustration, fear, disappointment, or sadness.

Because of that, when exploring anger, we must voyage deeper into the base core of emotions from which the anger stems.

Common triggers for anger in autistic adults

When autistic adults get angry, they often hyper-fixate on what caused their frustration. They might think about past problems, their own perceived limitations, or the people or situations they feel are responsible for their anger.

They often become very alert to situations that they think cause these unpleasant feelings and try their best to avoid similar scenarios entirely.

Once an adult begins to ruminate on issues of anger at hand, it becomes difficult to address the problem and utilize past interventions that they may have been taught or used.

A type of tunnel vision arises in which they begin to focus solely on their anger rather than the solutions that helped them in the past.

Unfortunately, thinking about the past could make these feelings worse. Beating oneself for what happened in the past isn’t an effective solution to the problems that are happening in the present.

For example, an adult with ASD may suddenly become overwhelmed when too many demands are placed upon them simultaneously and may yell, argue, or even shut down altogether.

A lack of comprehension of social and emotional skills can lead to frustration that shifts rapidly to anger. To address the seemingly unpredictable world around them, those with ASD may try to stick to predictable routines that signify safety.

When these patterns are changed at work or home, angry outbursts of anxiety may result.  In turn, these reactions may surprise those who are more flexible in their ability to deal with life’s seemingly small unpredictabilities.

How does anger manifest in adults?

Certain aspects of anger are typical amongst all adults who experience anger, such as verbal or physical aggression. Other elements, however, are more aligned with autism, including potential self-injury, scratching, headbanging, and destruction of items.

While typical adult anger is often loud and visible, like yelling or swearing, anger in adults with autism might be more inward and self-destructive. This can resemble how anger is expressed in children with autism and can also be similar to childhood regression when these adults experience it.

How to deal with autism anger in adults

Managing autism anger in adults requires an approach that goes beyond traditional anger management techniques. Understanding that anger in individuals with autism can manifest differently is key to addressing it effectively. Here are some things you can do.

Look beneath the anger

When addressing anger, identify the feelings triggering it versus simply that they are angry. Discuss what to do about the fear, frustration, or anxiety that dwells just under the surface of the anger.

If possible, have them write, draw, or use some other medium to explain their anger when words and verbalizing may be difficult due to feeling overwhelmed by the anger.

Avoid triggers

If one is aware of the triggers that lead to anger, they can proactively avoid them. If possible, avoid situations involving large crowds, noisy environments, or a lot of commotion.

Avoid any triggering scenarios, especially when the individual is hungry, tired, or sick. When feeling the beginning symptoms of anger (i.e., sweaty palms, heavy breathing, rapid heartbeat), it is vital to learn to excuse oneself from a situation before an outburst.

Distracting oneself from the stressful situation via music or smartphone can avoid a potential tantrum or inappropriate expression of anger. Learning deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, or simple exercises can also help curb negative feelings in stressful scenarios.

Be mindful of how you talk to them

Just like the BBQ rule of “low and slow,” when talking to someone who is angry, keep your voice calm and steady. This helps show them how to stay calm and composed when upset.

Don’t expect logical conversation when the person in question is angry. It takes some time for an angered person to return to a more logical and verbal state. Remember, emotions are not logical, and logic is not emotional.

Encourage the person to use “I” messages. This means they should explain their feelings and why they feel that way and suggest ways to help calm their anger.

Supporting autistic adults during anger episodes

It’s important to know how to support autistic adults during anger episodes to avoid making the situation worse.

Here are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind:

• DO: Avoid triggering situations whenever possible. If you know a situation might cause irritation, ensure your family member is well-rested, well-fed, and comfortable.
• DON’T: Enter triggering situations without preparation. Always discuss potential stressors with your family member who has a lower frustration tolerance to help them prepare.
• DO: Stay calm and patient when interacting with an angry adult with autism.
• DON’T: Raise your voice or use body language that shows irritation.
• DO: Encourage the person to identify and express the underlying emotions causing their anger.
• DON’T: Attempt to rationalize or problem-solve until the individual has had a chance to process and share their emotional responses.
• DO: Wait patiently and listen until the emotionally dysregulated individual has expressed their emotional reactions first until they are ready to reach the next step of rationalization before helping to develop solutions.

Empathy and understanding are crucial

Imagine how frustrating it would be if you were unable to speak the language of those around you fluently. How angered you would feel as seemingly everyone speaks and communicates with much less effort than yourself.

No matter how you try to express yourself, it seems ineffective or, worse yet, you are ignored altogether. When you understand this, you empathize with the case of adult anger and autism.  

The lower the frustration tolerance, the more difficult it becomes to communicate one’s needs or wants. “Fight or flight” responses cause the blood needed for cognition to go to your hands and feet. Thinking becomes difficult, and one’s brain fogs with anger and often rage.

When anger is coursing through an individual’s body, it takes an average of twenty minutes for the hormones of “fight or flight” to subside once the brain seems calm. When dealing with anger, it’s important to understand that deeper feelings like fear, sadness, or anxiety often cause it. To truly help, you need to empathize and consider how you would feel in a similar situation. 

FAQs

Q: How can autistic adults deal with anger?

A: Autistic adults can manage anger by identifying and addressing triggers early and learning to express their feelings clearly. Techniques like breathing exercises and mindfulness, which can be practiced using apps or computer programs, can also help calm their anger.

Q: How do you calm down an angry autistic adult?

A: To calm an angry autistic adult, stay calm and use a steady, soothing voice. Focus on listening rather than speaking, and give clear, specific instructions on what to do. Use mindfulness and breathing exercises to help manage their physical reactions to anger.

Q: Does autism cause anger issues in adults?

A: Autism does not specifically cause anger issues in adults. That being said, challenges in communication, obsessive thinking, and difficulties with social-emotional skills can all contribute to lower tolerance for frustration and increased anger. 

Q: How do you respond to autistic rage?

A: To handle autistic rage, try to avoid triggers whenever you can. If you can’t avoid the situation, stay calm and help the person with their immediate needs. If they get overwhelmed, break problems into smaller steps or redirect their attention. Showing them how to breathe and relax can also be helpful.

Q: What calms autistic people?

A: Adults with autism often feel more at ease with predictable routines. If things can’t be predicted, give clear explanations about what to expect. Familiar items or activities can help reduce anxiety. It’s also important to have a plan for how long they will be in a stressful situation and what to do if things get too overwhelming.

References:

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Patel, S., Day, T. N., Jones, N., & Mazefsky, C. A. (2016). Association between anger rumination and autism symptom severity, depression symptoms, aggression, and general dysregulation in adolescents with autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 21(2), 181–189. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361316633566 

Golan, O., Haruvi-Lamdan, N., Laor, N., & Horesh, D. (2021). The comorbidity between autism spectrum disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder is mediated by brooding rumination. Autism, 26(2), 136236132110352. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211035240

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