How to Move on to Acceptance

“No, he can’t have autism.” “No one in our family has autism, so it’s impossible for him to have autism.” These are phrases my wife and I heard from many friends and family members when we told them our younger son, Joey, had been diagnosed. Unfortunately, autism denial is a common experience for many.

Most people have only a basic understanding of autism spectrum disorder, which often leads to denial when they encounter a diagnosis. It can be a struggle. However, any friends or family members who experience this denial need to move towards acceptance to help improve the well-being of their loved ones.

What is autism denial?

In its simplest definition, autism denial is when someone refuses to accept an autism diagnosis for a loved one. Denial can be experienced by parents, friends, family members, or even autistic people themselves.

While denial is a normal reaction, at first, continuing to deny the autism diagnosis can lead to serious consequences for people on the spectrum.

Depending on who is experiencing the denial, it can lead to delays in treatments or assistance that may be beneficial to autistic children.

There are plenty of potential reasons for autism denial. These can include:

• Misunderstandings – The family members may not have a complete understanding of ASD. They may believe the child can “grow out” of certain behaviors or not understand how autism may cause them.
• Societal stigma – Many people’s only experience with ASD comes from brief interactions with those needing more support. This can make it harder for them to accept a diagnosis or understand the diversity of autism.
• Shock and disbelief – This is probably the most common reason for denial. Receiving an autism diagnosis can be a traumatic experience, even with all the programs available to aid in the child’s development. It can be hard to accept at first.

In our lives, several friends and family members experienced autism denial. Some insisted we were wrong or the tests were wrong. 

These false accusations are difficult to hear from people you love when you are trying to take the time to learn more about the diagnosis.

All of these people have since accepted Joey’s diagnosis over the past seven years. Some have become his biggest advocates, educating other people about autism. 

Why do some parents struggle to accept an autism diagnosis?

When parents find out they are expecting a bundle of joy, it’s natural to imagine the life that child will lead. When one’s imagination is running wild, autism never crosses their mind. 

That’s part of why it’s so hard for many parents to accept the initial diagnosis. However, it’s a bit deeper than that.

The National Institutes of Health researched autism denial among parents and found six common causes for their lack of acceptance. These include:

• symptom severity,
• religion, beliefs, or culture,
• knowledge and uncertainty,
• negative emotions,
• positive emotions,
• support.

Of course, there are further facets of life tied into these potential causes that can also contribute to denial. Parents may fear the unknown when their child grows up neurodivergent.

They may have experienced social stigma surrounding autism when they were younger and don’t understand the need for acceptance yet.

They could also feel parental guilt. Many parents tend to blame themselves for their child’s autism diagnosis even though there is no known cause of autism at this time.

Because autism is a spectrum, it will present itself differently in each individual. Speaking from a personal perspective, this can lead to denial if a parent is only familiar with certain symptoms.

My wife and I were informed our older son, Jeremy, might need to be tested for autism. We didn’t pursue that test because he hit all his milestones, could read small words at three years old, and demonstrated an amazing memory.

It wasn’t until after his brother’s diagnosis that we learned about other potential symptoms and how they were present in Jeremy’s life. He was diagnosed around seven, but our own denial about him led to us waiting years before he was diagnosed.

Autism self-denial

It’s common for parents, friends, and other relatives who may not understand autism to experience denial. Another form of denial can come from the autistic children themselves.

Some will outright reject their diagnosis. This often happens during a child’s development when they realize they are different from other children their age.

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People diagnosed with autism may mask more often because they are masking for their own denial than for comfort around others. They may internalize the stigma that sometimes surrounds autism and use that to pretend their diagnosis isn’t real.

They may deny their diagnosis because they fear judgment from their peers because of their differences. Autism self-denial tends to be more common among children on the spectrum with lower support needs.

Impact of denial on people with autism

While a small bit of denial may be common, continued denial can negatively impact children diagnosed with autism.

In severe cases of denial, parents may not accept their children for who they are, leading to them not spending much time with their kids. 

Parents remaining in denial can also lead to the neglect of early signs of autism and some key interventions, like ABA therapy, that can help develop their child’s personality.

There are also important accommodations in school and the working world that can make the lives of autistic people easier. However, parents remaining in denial can cause delays in those accommodations.

How to move from denial to acceptance

If parents, relatives, or friends continue to struggle with autism denial, there are some ways to help them move toward acceptance. Autism support groups have been created to make the transition easier.

They can help provide knowledge of the entire autism spectrum, allowing those in denial to see a brighter future for their loved ones. Education is key to acceptance.

Parents can seek professional help, especially if the person with the diagnosis is also in denial. Professional help can assist the person in recognizing and embracing their diagnosis as part of their identity without it defining them.

Embrace acceptance for growth and understanding

Learning about an autism diagnosis can be challenging for parents, family members, and the person diagnosed. Denial of the diagnosis can be expected initially. However, everyone involved should seek acceptance of the diagnosis. Acceptance can help with understanding autism as a whole.

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People on the spectrum can access interventions and support that improve their lives and help them contribute to society while embracing their identity. Acceptance is a journey, not a destination. It’s one that everyone connected to our loved ones with autism must embark on to help make the world a better place.

FAQs

Q: What does masking in autism look like?

A: Masking is a strategy often employed by people with autism to hide their neurodivergence. It can resemble mimicry, suppressing stims, scripting conversation, or avoiding special interests that can cause ostracization.

Q: How do I tell if I’m masking?

A: Some signs for an autistic person to tell if they are masking include if they mimic the facial expressions of others, hide certain behaviors like stimming, feel exhausted following social interactions, and fear they may be judged or rejected.

Q: How do you get parents out of autism denial?

A: The best way to help someone overcome autism denial is to offer them hope. They may have a superficial understanding of autism and can only see the negatives. Help them see how the world has been made a better place due to the presence of people with autism. Hope can go a long way in helping parents accept their child’s diagnosis and become advocates.