I had plans for us kid. Big plans. Plans that I can admit didn’t include autism.
Even today, after 13 years, sometimes I still find myself wondering how my plans got so derailed.
I’ll be giving you a shower, bending down and washing your feet, and I’ll look at you, eyes squeezed shut, eating bubbles, throwing your head back, smiling, squealing, and I’ll wonder how this happened.
How we got here. Right here.
Or, I’ll be helping you with your shoes and you’ll grab my face, turning my cheek to look at whatever is on your screen, Barney or a favorite train, willing me to see how amazing it is.
And I’ll smile of course. But inside I wonder why. Why you. Why and not some other kid.
Autism wasn’t part of my plan. And because of it…everything has changed. In subtle ways and gigantic ways.
I am different. Our family is different. Everything is different.
I want you to know I focus on the unique gifts that you have brought into our lives. And they are a plenty.
You have shown me the world in a completely different light. You love sounds and colors and the wind and blankets.
You love waving and holding hands and gasping at things you deem amazing.
You force me to slow down. To dig my feet in and fight. To sit in a crowded parking lot when a break is needed and twirl in store to The Wheels in the Bus. You shown me that the best things are worth waiting for.
You have been my greatest teacher. You have made me into the mom and woman I am today. Our whole family really.
We are better. So, much better.
It’s not what I pictured. This life. Not the plan I had in mind. But we are okay. We are happy. We are blessed.
I want the parents of newly diagnosed kids to know that.
Our life is good. Happier and even sadder at times. But so good.
It is not better. Not worse. Just different. With unbelievable joy and a little hard mixed in for color.
You bring the color to our world, Cooper.
Thank you.
Love, mom
