Traci Neal is a Black neurodivergent poet living in Columbia, SC. She was diagnosed with autism as an adult, after a lifetime of being bullied at school and feeling like she didn’t belong. She is now living a joyous life of self-acceptance. We talked with Traci about her life and journey, and the advice she wishes she could give herself as a child.
Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism (TPGA): What would you like to tell us about yourself?
Traci Neal: I love to help others and use poetry to give people hope. I believe when someone lives a life of service, it is a more meaningful life. Poetry is what I do for work. I get paid to write and perform poetry, and I also provide free services for people in need such as the homeless, sick/disease, natural disasters, and small nonprofits making positive impacts.
My writings are featured in Newsweek, The New York Times, Mahogany (Hallmark) writing community, Black Art Magazine (BAM), The Art of Autism, and many other publications. I use my poetry to bring awareness to nonprofits in need worldwide
TPGA: How old were you when you were diagnosed with autism? What caused you to seek an autism diagnosis?
Neal: I was 34 years old when I was diagnosed with autism. I sought a diagnosis after I had a conversation with my mother in August 2023, and she mentioned that I may be autistic. I had heard her say this other times, but for some reason, this time I felt more compelled to find out if I was. I started doing further research to see if I had any autistic traits, and I saw that I did. I took it a step further though by setting up an appointment with a psychologist to receive diagnosis screenings for autism.
TPGA: Did you find that your autism diagnosis explained much of what was challenging about your life (this happens to many people) or did you have a more mixed reaction (this also happens to many people)?
Neal: My autism diagnosis gave me such a sense of relief. I could reflect on why I thought the way I did during all those years, and even now. It confirmed to me why I get along much better with children as opposed to adults, because I have a mindset that in some ways is more like a child. My diagnosis made sense as to why school was hard for me, since I had to try to be a super smart black girl due to the expectations of black culture—but I knew I was the total opposite. I still prefer playing, being silly, and pretty much anything fun. I also now know that it’s OK to have to ask a lot of questions in order to understand things.
TPGA: Do you feel like the people who have been in your life both before and after your diagnosis understand better where you’re coming from, now that you have an autism diagnosis? Are you willing to talk about examples?
Neal: I feel like it is still an adjustment for the people in my life after my diagnosis, because now I am being the ‘real’ me, and not the person they thought I was.
Example 1: With my husband, I masked for the majority of our marriage. In the past, I would need help but felt as if I had to handle things on my own. I was raised to be independent and strong, but I am actually very mushy. I was diagnosed with ADHD too, and I can really be like an ‘adult kid’ in how I think and act. After my diagnosis, I do not hesitate to ask for help. My husband is supportive of who I am now, whereas initially he was trying to figure out who this new person was that he married.
Example 2: My mom is a mother. She expects me to carry myself well and conduct myself in an orderly manner as an adult. This is how she raised me. For many years, I complied with this standard. After my autism diagnosis, I show my lighter and self-accepting side a whole lot more than I did before. One Sunday, me and my husband went to church with my mom and dad. The music was really loud, so I wore my big ‘Quiet Ears’ headphones to drown out the loudness.
I never did this in the past. I would suffer through how I really felt, especially inside. I allowed other people to make decisions for me. My mom told me she would not want me to regress. I am actually ‘unmasking.’ My mom works daily on understanding me better, though. I have to be patient with her. She grew up in a generation (the 1950’s) where autism existed, yet it was not talked about. I want to be an example to my mom. I want to show her that autistic individuals can have discipline and not deny who they are at the same time. I believe autism is not something to be ashamed of.
TPGA: When you encounter people who still treat you unfairly, instead of being respectful and accommodating of your neurodivergence (since you also have ADHD), do you have any self-affirmations that you use to remind yourself that they are the ones misbehaving, and you aren’t doing anything wrong?
Neal: My biggest self-affirmation is from the animated movie Arctic Dogs. In the movie, a fictional character named Swifty, who is an arctic male fox, says something to an elk in the movie. It changed my life in the most amazing way. Swifty said, “You can’t blame yourself for crazy*.” This statement was so eye-opening for me. I realized it is not my fault how people treat me if I am respectful to them. That is their problem, and not mine.
I do encounter unfair treatment by no fault of my own, but I just say those words and I feel so much better. Those words take the pressure off of me. I remember those who are for me will be for me, even when adjustments have to be made.
TPGA: Have you found online autistic connections or autistic role models that you treasure, in terms of helping you navigate the world as an autistic adult? If so, what and who are some of them?
Neal: I have two black autistic female role models I admire. They are Morgan Harper Nichols and Phenomenally Autistic: Ayanna Sanaa Davis. I like Morgan because she draws beautiful pictures and is good at poetry. She also wears her natural hair out. It is thick like mine, but I wear my thick hair in protective styles most of the time.
Ayanna is amazing! She is unapologetic about being autistic. She shares vulnerable things about herself on social media and is down to earth. To me, Ayanna is down to earth because I sent her an email telling her how much she inspires me. (I do not have social media due to being heavily harassed for money and business promotion.) I was not expecting her to reply to my email. Well, she did. It was encouraging and meant a lot to me. I have sent emails like this before to people who I never met, but she replied. I have a deeper level of respect for her.
TPGA: In addition to being autistic, you are also Black. Are there additional joys or boundaries to your experience that tend to be underrepresented in the mainstream autism narrative?
Neal: There are limitations in the mainstream autism narrative for my kind of autism. I have a unique ability, which has allowed the opportunity for black women like me to have their voices heard, when in the past, it had been silenced (this was mentioned briefly in Newsweek). Although I am not ‘gifted’ like some autistics, I am able to write poetry divinely given by God.
An analogy of this is a child who believes in Santa Claus. The child thinks Santa can do anything and has unlimited power. This is what my relationship with God is like. I believe he is my heavenly father and has limitless abilities. I obey anything he tells me to do, but not to stay on his ‘nice’ list. I do it because I love him with all my heart similar to the pure love of a child for Santa Claus.
In return, God gives me poetry I would not be able to write on my own naturally. Oftentimes, I have to Google the words he gives to see how to spell them and what they mean. Within a few seconds, I will forget the meaning and the spelling when it is a word I do not use often. (Repetition is the only way something will be remembered in my brain.)
I am so grateful to shine a light on autistic black women who are not in the ‘gifted’ category. Not all black women have above-average intelligence. It is a ridiculous standard the black culture has for us and frankly, I am so over it. I have more heart than head, and I I have been able to use this to make positive impacts. Voices of people like me need to be heard also. I am slowly starting to see more of our stories being put out there, which brings me some comfort for the future.
TPGA: If you could go back and talk to yourself as an undiagnosed Black autistic child, knowing what you know now about being autistic, what would be the most helpful things you could say to or do for that child?
Neal: I would say, “Do not try to be anyone else. It is too much work. How you think and process things is fine. Figure out what works best for you and give it your all. You are enough.”
TPGA: Is there anything else you’d like the TPGA community to know about you?
Neal: I want the TPGA community to know I am doing all I can to bring more awareness to autism and share my story. Autism does not look the exact same way on every person. I desire for fewer people of color to go through what I went through. I am so thankful to have this chance to speak about my autism.
*The author is aware that using “crazy” is now being discouraged by mental health advocates and allies.
